I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Holy shit dude........stairs
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize