im about as happy as oj after his trial
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
