wrigley field is MILF paradise
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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