I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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