i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
