I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
