Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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