you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
