1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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