As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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