last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
