for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
