i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
