im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just puked most of my soul out..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
