So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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