you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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