Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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