she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
