So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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