I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i permit you to call me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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