Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There are leaves in my underwear?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
