I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
