How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
