Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
