I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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