Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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