no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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