Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
