I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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