please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize