I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
