You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
