Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
so much tequila, so little girl.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
