ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
