I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
