oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dignity is for republicans.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize