Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
