she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
