The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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