He is an equal opportunity slut.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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