i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
