So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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