The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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