Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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