There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
