I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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