What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize