Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize