I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
