You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
