I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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