Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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