Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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