Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
