I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
