oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
