I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
