this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
