walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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