Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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