And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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