my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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