he thought i was a dude.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
