My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
